Hi, Mark. I’m sorry you’ve been down in it too. But glad to have been part of the search and rescue squad. Let the light in and try to reflect some of it back to the world. Seems to amplify the effects in my experience. Let’s DO this…Project Lite-Brite in full effect. Reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. Cheers!
Clint, I'm sharing a virtual hug with you today. I understand all of this so well, too, and it takes as long as it takes to recover. Be kind to yourself. Much love for you.
Awwwww….thanks, Aidan. Likewise. To borrow a RuPaulism, I love seeing your charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Keep keeping it real…like Sylvester mighty real! 🌈✌️
What a fine community you’ve attracted Clint! It’s encouraging to read your experience as well as that of other commenters. When I turned 40 in 1995, all but one of my friends had been lost to AIDS without reaching 40. I was numb for a very long time, but now looking back I realize I wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with that much loss at that age. Who is? The pain has dulled over the years, but there are moments when I wonder if we would all still be friends enjoying our senior years together. I don’t dwell on the “what ifs” though; my life is good in the here and now with supportive friends. Best wishes to you as you move forward in your life!
What a fine community indeed, David! Thank you for being part of it. And thank you for sharing your experiences with grief and loss. I’m hopeful a few of the friends I’ve pushed away will be open to giving me a second chance. Fingers crossed.
In late 1990, I had been the consultant director of the National AIDS Counselling Training Unit in the UK for three years. It was mainly training hospital medical and nursing staff to effectively and sensitively care for people with HIV or dying from opportunistic infections. Social workers, outreach workers for drug users and sex workers, prison and police staff were also trained. I had been appointed to this role just when my lover and I split up. I wanted to die when we separated.
I had already said goodbye to several close friends, ex-short term sex partners and the like to AIDS. I supporting younger men, their partners and families as counsellor or therapist for those three years and faced 2 or 3 HIV-related deaths each week.
I had spent six weels on a research study tour of NY, Chicago and SF looking at services for people with HIV. The workers in SF were dealing with 40 or so HIV-related deaths per week. Many workers were themselves HIV+. One man impressed on me his belief that no one ever dies. Only their bodies cease to work. He insisted that spiritually we live for ever and never leave our corporeal loved ones.
When I arrived home to the UK at the beginning of December 1990, I entertained my parents for Christmas. My mother couldn't hold down food or liquids. They didn't ev en reach her stomach but were regurgitated within seconds od swallowing. She had osphageal cancer and opted to die at home. My sister, a nurse, and I scheduled our tork times to allow us care for her (and, of course, my father) for the next three months, as she starved to death.
Yes I grieved with her, dad and my siter as we prepared for her passing. I discussed what my SF colleague had said about living forever and keepong an eye on living nears and dears. She found it useful. Her aunt had been a trance medium in the spiritualist church so she could readily accept the idea of life after bodily death.
This idea kept me from being devastated by grief. Grief can be so devastating. I cannot claim any irrefutable evidence of the belief that no one ever dies when their body dies. Oh, and by the way I am now a close friend of my ex-partner and his husband. I love them both and they love me.
Ray, you have lived quite a full-dimensional life. Thank you for sharing some of highlights. I’m so glad you and your ex are still close. And his hubby too. What’s not to love? My condolences on your mom’s final earthly chapter. I’m sure having the family with her helped her transition. Peace, love, and light, Ray!
Thanks, David. I didn’t want to write it, but I felt compelled to share. It’s way to hold myself accountable and help me move forward. Slowly but surely, Shirley!
I just want to grab and hug you. In 1984, a friend and I started NM AIDS Services. I ran the client services until even my friend was dead. Then in 1991 I took over running the medical clinic for HealthCare for the Homeless. Death and grief and helplessness in the face of it wore me down. 3/4 of my friends and lovers were dead. The final straw was a diagnosis of chronic persistent HepB and four months of a six month regimen of daily injections of poison brought me to my knees. I resigned my job and, basically, my life. New Years Day, 1995, took my life savings of $8K, hopped on my Yamaha Maxim 700 with 94lbs of tent, cooking stuff, warm clothes and swimming suit and no more medicinal drugs. 25K miles and a year and 11 days later, the benign and beneficent world I rode through had healed not only my body but my soul as well. The wondrous thing was that everyone I encountered just embraced me - sometimes just as an interesting oddity but mostly with warmth and wanting my story. No one ever even told me I couldn't park somewhere. But it took that - a vulnerable testing of the Universe and it replied, YES!! Give yourself a HUGE hug from me. My mantra still is "Everything will be OK in the end; if it's not OK, then it's not the end."
Oh, Dennis...I needed to know more about you and your journey today, my friend. The virtual hug is most appreciated as is the mantra. I'll be putting that to good use in the coming days, weeks, and months. Fingers crossed my journey is as magical and benevolent as yours. Hugs back.
Well, I accidentally got a substack (always hitting the wrong button!!) But now that I've got it maybe I could serialize my motorcycle journey on it. It WAS an amazing experience and I've shared it with friends and family. Maybe I could put it on my substack (since I don't know quite what to do with it.
I highly recommend you do. If you’re not. Familiar with Natalie Goldberg, something about your journey to NM reminds me of hers. I believe she’s still living in Santa Fe. Her most famous book is Writing Down The Bones. ✌️🌈
My mother passed in 1999, and my father in 2003. Looking back, I was certainly affected when Mom passed, but I was absolutely devastated when Dad died. The funny thing is I didn't notice it at the time, but so many things in my life were affected. Work, home life and my relationships. Thankfully, I have regained most of my momentum that got sidelined. That is not to say I don't have those moments when I just stare off into the distance. We all handle grief so differently from one another. Here is hoping your journey becomes less bumpy and smooth sailing going forward.
Thank you, Fred. I lost my dad in the late 80s (so long ago I can’t remember which of two years) and my mom was one of those who passed in 2020-2021. Ours was a complex relationship. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a play/movie called “da.” The movie adaptation starred Barnard Hughes and Martin Sheen. There was a line in it that came to mind when I was reading your comment: "It was a long time before I realized that love turned upside down was love, for all of that." I haven’t seen the film in years, around when my dad died, but it has stuck with me. If you’re interested, I see someone’s uploaded it to YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTooFO6UM84
Try to surround yourself with what you love and keep writing. I find it SO important to express what's inside. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety in my life too. We're all here for each other. Peace, my friend.
Cint, hang in there. I lost my wife of 55 years six years ago, and at first it was just a fog of living day to day, but then it dawned on me that she is at rest, opening up new opportunities for me to be myself, to enjoy what is ahead not what is past. Now, I have times I am down, but I understand that the past will always be there, but the past is the past. I cannot change it. I have a new life now, open at last to the fact I am actually gay, not bisexual. When feelings toward men arise, I no longer try to hide those feelings, and because of my age, I just enjoy them mentally. I too have lost friends in the last few years, and it is really hard because I miss them, but I realize these are precious memories that are part of me, not the current reality. Please do not interpret what I have written as negative view of what you are going through. It just takes time to reestablish your life and that takes patience. We are there for you.
Hey Allen, I got married to a woman back in 1966 when it just didn't dawn on me that there were options. We were both virgins and, thanks to a copy of "The Perfumed Gardens" she and I figured out how to have sex with some fun - even while lacking any real physical attraction. I came out when our son was 5 and even tried a thruple with my first lover. Nope. She is still alive and we celebrated what would have been our 50th in 2016 - next year it will be 60 if we're both still around. We still love one another and spend time with our kids and grands together. Interesting, but while I've lost three lovers to death, life still goes on. I'm now married to my lover/husband of some 20 years and still grieve but cherish the love that I've had with all of them AND my former wife and I will miss her, too, if she checks out before me. You are so right, they all remain as a part of who WE are and we are better for it.
Dennis, it is nice to know that some others had an experience that I did with a wife of many years, and I am happy that you have a husband that provides you with the companionship and enjoyment of life. I do not have a lover and at this point in my life, I just enjoy watching other men enjoy themselves with their intimacy and love.
I know I've been incredibly fortunate to have known and loved so many people. That includes the lessons of loss. I'm especially grateful to have a husband at this stage of my life. Neither of us WANTS to be alone at our age. we've even fantasized doing a "Thelma and Louise" exit but we'll see. It's just very nice to be here right now, in spite of all the drama.
While I’m big fan of “Thelma and Louise,” I’m also a fan of Dennis and his husband living lonnnnnng and prospering more! Show us “kids” how to do it. We need more role models. Cheers, love, and light!
Thank you, Allen. I definitely did not feel any negativity in your “circle of life” history and point-of-view. I’m glad you’re here, dear. I appreciate you sharing and sending words of wisdom my way. Cheers!
2 years ago, I lost my hubby after 41 together. So, I know what you're saying and there's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know.
A little chuckle never hurts. I just saw this text in an ad banner: "Shop Men's Bottoms." Why thanks, don't mind if I do. And thanks for your day brighteners that so often allow us to do the same.
You know I’m window-shopping bottoms all the time, Steven! I love the beauty of some booty. My condolences on your loss and thank you for sharing your experience. It’s the circle of life…I just don’t always know how to handle it. Obviously. Almost four years of this crap…it’s time to finally start healing in earnest. Cheers.
At first, we just keep on. As Myrna Loy once said to Spencer Tracy in a film, "What do you do when there's nothing else TO do?" And when the time is right to do more than just keep on, we know it in our gut and see the signs. But there, I go, telling you things you know.
The Beauty of Booty. I like it. Maybe you've stumbled onto a theme for an upcoming NSFW collection? We can all use a round of window shopping and, as we all know, there are hot buns in more places than bakeries.
Thanks for the virtual hugs, Doug. I know I’m far from the only one going through this stuff. All my nears and dears passed at the height of COVID, though not from it. Made it even harder to go through though. Fun times. Not. 🤗🌈✌️
I became isolated from anxiety and after a particularly rough 2023, I feel like being on here is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Found your post relatable in so many ways!
Hi, Mark. I’m sorry you’ve been down in it too. But glad to have been part of the search and rescue squad. Let the light in and try to reflect some of it back to the world. Seems to amplify the effects in my experience. Let’s DO this…Project Lite-Brite in full effect. Reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. Cheers!
Clint, I'm sharing a virtual hug with you today. I understand all of this so well, too, and it takes as long as it takes to recover. Be kind to yourself. Much love for you.
Oh, Robin, you’re a sweetheart…thank you. We’re all fumbling towards our own respective ecstasies, a la Sarah McLachlan, aren’t we?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf727y_HsOE
Sending you so much love. Really grateful to have come into your orbit on here!
Awwwww….thanks, Aidan. Likewise. To borrow a RuPaulism, I love seeing your charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Keep keeping it real…like Sylvester mighty real! 🌈✌️
What a fine community you’ve attracted Clint! It’s encouraging to read your experience as well as that of other commenters. When I turned 40 in 1995, all but one of my friends had been lost to AIDS without reaching 40. I was numb for a very long time, but now looking back I realize I wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with that much loss at that age. Who is? The pain has dulled over the years, but there are moments when I wonder if we would all still be friends enjoying our senior years together. I don’t dwell on the “what ifs” though; my life is good in the here and now with supportive friends. Best wishes to you as you move forward in your life!
What a fine community indeed, David! Thank you for being part of it. And thank you for sharing your experiences with grief and loss. I’m hopeful a few of the friends I’ve pushed away will be open to giving me a second chance. Fingers crossed.
In late 1990, I had been the consultant director of the National AIDS Counselling Training Unit in the UK for three years. It was mainly training hospital medical and nursing staff to effectively and sensitively care for people with HIV or dying from opportunistic infections. Social workers, outreach workers for drug users and sex workers, prison and police staff were also trained. I had been appointed to this role just when my lover and I split up. I wanted to die when we separated.
I had already said goodbye to several close friends, ex-short term sex partners and the like to AIDS. I supporting younger men, their partners and families as counsellor or therapist for those three years and faced 2 or 3 HIV-related deaths each week.
I had spent six weels on a research study tour of NY, Chicago and SF looking at services for people with HIV. The workers in SF were dealing with 40 or so HIV-related deaths per week. Many workers were themselves HIV+. One man impressed on me his belief that no one ever dies. Only their bodies cease to work. He insisted that spiritually we live for ever and never leave our corporeal loved ones.
When I arrived home to the UK at the beginning of December 1990, I entertained my parents for Christmas. My mother couldn't hold down food or liquids. They didn't ev en reach her stomach but were regurgitated within seconds od swallowing. She had osphageal cancer and opted to die at home. My sister, a nurse, and I scheduled our tork times to allow us care for her (and, of course, my father) for the next three months, as she starved to death.
Yes I grieved with her, dad and my siter as we prepared for her passing. I discussed what my SF colleague had said about living forever and keepong an eye on living nears and dears. She found it useful. Her aunt had been a trance medium in the spiritualist church so she could readily accept the idea of life after bodily death.
This idea kept me from being devastated by grief. Grief can be so devastating. I cannot claim any irrefutable evidence of the belief that no one ever dies when their body dies. Oh, and by the way I am now a close friend of my ex-partner and his husband. I love them both and they love me.
Ray, you have lived quite a full-dimensional life. Thank you for sharing some of highlights. I’m so glad you and your ex are still close. And his hubby too. What’s not to love? My condolences on your mom’s final earthly chapter. I’m sure having the family with her helped her transition. Peace, love, and light, Ray!
I remember the saying that has helped me, "If you face the sun, the darkness lies behind you!"
All the best to you Clint ! I am happy that you are on the mend. We have all been there....
OMG, honey, a stopped-up kitchen drain is enough to make Pollyanna depressed. I hope you
really got it sweet-smelling, free-running and sanitary so that it keeps taking the dirty water.
You deserve a clean house.
You're turning a corner - may brighter days continue to dawn for you, friend.
Thank you, MTF! I appreciate you and your support. Cheers. 🌈✌️
Wonderful post. So real, so effective.
Thanks, David. I didn’t want to write it, but I felt compelled to share. It’s way to hold myself accountable and help me move forward. Slowly but surely, Shirley!
I just want to grab and hug you. In 1984, a friend and I started NM AIDS Services. I ran the client services until even my friend was dead. Then in 1991 I took over running the medical clinic for HealthCare for the Homeless. Death and grief and helplessness in the face of it wore me down. 3/4 of my friends and lovers were dead. The final straw was a diagnosis of chronic persistent HepB and four months of a six month regimen of daily injections of poison brought me to my knees. I resigned my job and, basically, my life. New Years Day, 1995, took my life savings of $8K, hopped on my Yamaha Maxim 700 with 94lbs of tent, cooking stuff, warm clothes and swimming suit and no more medicinal drugs. 25K miles and a year and 11 days later, the benign and beneficent world I rode through had healed not only my body but my soul as well. The wondrous thing was that everyone I encountered just embraced me - sometimes just as an interesting oddity but mostly with warmth and wanting my story. No one ever even told me I couldn't park somewhere. But it took that - a vulnerable testing of the Universe and it replied, YES!! Give yourself a HUGE hug from me. My mantra still is "Everything will be OK in the end; if it's not OK, then it's not the end."
Oh, Dennis...I needed to know more about you and your journey today, my friend. The virtual hug is most appreciated as is the mantra. I'll be putting that to good use in the coming days, weeks, and months. Fingers crossed my journey is as magical and benevolent as yours. Hugs back.
Well, I accidentally got a substack (always hitting the wrong button!!) But now that I've got it maybe I could serialize my motorcycle journey on it. It WAS an amazing experience and I've shared it with friends and family. Maybe I could put it on my substack (since I don't know quite what to do with it.
I highly recommend you do. If you’re not. Familiar with Natalie Goldberg, something about your journey to NM reminds me of hers. I believe she’s still living in Santa Fe. Her most famous book is Writing Down The Bones. ✌️🌈
My mother passed in 1999, and my father in 2003. Looking back, I was certainly affected when Mom passed, but I was absolutely devastated when Dad died. The funny thing is I didn't notice it at the time, but so many things in my life were affected. Work, home life and my relationships. Thankfully, I have regained most of my momentum that got sidelined. That is not to say I don't have those moments when I just stare off into the distance. We all handle grief so differently from one another. Here is hoping your journey becomes less bumpy and smooth sailing going forward.
Thank you, Fred. I lost my dad in the late 80s (so long ago I can’t remember which of two years) and my mom was one of those who passed in 2020-2021. Ours was a complex relationship. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a play/movie called “da.” The movie adaptation starred Barnard Hughes and Martin Sheen. There was a line in it that came to mind when I was reading your comment: "It was a long time before I realized that love turned upside down was love, for all of that." I haven’t seen the film in years, around when my dad died, but it has stuck with me. If you’re interested, I see someone’s uploaded it to YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTooFO6UM84
I’ll check it out. Thanks Clint.
Try to surround yourself with what you love and keep writing. I find it SO important to express what's inside. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety in my life too. We're all here for each other. Peace, my friend.
Thanks, Dan. Appreciate the support, my fellow anxious creative. Peace, love, and light to you and yours!
Cint, hang in there. I lost my wife of 55 years six years ago, and at first it was just a fog of living day to day, but then it dawned on me that she is at rest, opening up new opportunities for me to be myself, to enjoy what is ahead not what is past. Now, I have times I am down, but I understand that the past will always be there, but the past is the past. I cannot change it. I have a new life now, open at last to the fact I am actually gay, not bisexual. When feelings toward men arise, I no longer try to hide those feelings, and because of my age, I just enjoy them mentally. I too have lost friends in the last few years, and it is really hard because I miss them, but I realize these are precious memories that are part of me, not the current reality. Please do not interpret what I have written as negative view of what you are going through. It just takes time to reestablish your life and that takes patience. We are there for you.
Hey Allen, I got married to a woman back in 1966 when it just didn't dawn on me that there were options. We were both virgins and, thanks to a copy of "The Perfumed Gardens" she and I figured out how to have sex with some fun - even while lacking any real physical attraction. I came out when our son was 5 and even tried a thruple with my first lover. Nope. She is still alive and we celebrated what would have been our 50th in 2016 - next year it will be 60 if we're both still around. We still love one another and spend time with our kids and grands together. Interesting, but while I've lost three lovers to death, life still goes on. I'm now married to my lover/husband of some 20 years and still grieve but cherish the love that I've had with all of them AND my former wife and I will miss her, too, if she checks out before me. You are so right, they all remain as a part of who WE are and we are better for it.
Dennis, it is nice to know that some others had an experience that I did with a wife of many years, and I am happy that you have a husband that provides you with the companionship and enjoyment of life. I do not have a lover and at this point in my life, I just enjoy watching other men enjoy themselves with their intimacy and love.
I know I've been incredibly fortunate to have known and loved so many people. That includes the lessons of loss. I'm especially grateful to have a husband at this stage of my life. Neither of us WANTS to be alone at our age. we've even fantasized doing a "Thelma and Louise" exit but we'll see. It's just very nice to be here right now, in spite of all the drama.
While I’m big fan of “Thelma and Louise,” I’m also a fan of Dennis and his husband living lonnnnnng and prospering more! Show us “kids” how to do it. We need more role models. Cheers, love, and light!
Gents, it’s nice to know there are so many who share not only similar experiences but similar perspectives on love and respect. Thank you.
Thank you, Allen. I definitely did not feel any negativity in your “circle of life” history and point-of-view. I’m glad you’re here, dear. I appreciate you sharing and sending words of wisdom my way. Cheers!
2 years ago, I lost my hubby after 41 together. So, I know what you're saying and there's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know.
A little chuckle never hurts. I just saw this text in an ad banner: "Shop Men's Bottoms." Why thanks, don't mind if I do. And thanks for your day brighteners that so often allow us to do the same.
You know I’m window-shopping bottoms all the time, Steven! I love the beauty of some booty. My condolences on your loss and thank you for sharing your experience. It’s the circle of life…I just don’t always know how to handle it. Obviously. Almost four years of this crap…it’s time to finally start healing in earnest. Cheers.
At first, we just keep on. As Myrna Loy once said to Spencer Tracy in a film, "What do you do when there's nothing else TO do?" And when the time is right to do more than just keep on, we know it in our gut and see the signs. But there, I go, telling you things you know.
The Beauty of Booty. I like it. Maybe you've stumbled onto a theme for an upcoming NSFW collection? We can all use a round of window shopping and, as we all know, there are hot buns in more places than bakeries.
Thanks for the virtual hugs, Doug. I know I’m far from the only one going through this stuff. All my nears and dears passed at the height of COVID, though not from it. Made it even harder to go through though. Fun times. Not. 🤗🌈✌️
Cool! Just about to dive into my inbox. Will respond there. Cheers!