Turning My Light Back On

From Dark To Dimly Bright

Three and a half years ago, after several of my nearest and dearest died within a few months, I had what I can only describe as a breakdown.

Long story short, I fell down and haven’t been able to fully get up ever since.
Not only haven’t I been able to, but I began thinking it might not be possible.

I don’t need to tell anyone who’s gone through it that grief is a real motherfucker. It doesn’t care about anyone or anything else. It’s totally and unapologetically selfish.

My grief has consumed and isolated me so much that my former life sometimes feels like something I read in a book or saw in a movie.

Since my breakdown began, I’ve lived in survival mode.

I quit my corporate job and spent a year crying and trying to wake up from the nightmare. I only did what I had to and only saw people I needed to.

Eventually, I realized I needed to make a living again and started Collide Press with some fellow LGBTQ creatives. We collaborated on hundreds of original and remixed works of art and design as print-on-demand wall art, apparel, and more.

After our “beginner’s luck” ran out, the original crew slowly moved on to work on other, more profitable, projects. As one does when the bottom line isn’t adding up.

At the same time, Lady Luck stepped in to help my male-centric montages gain an audience. First on YouTube and then on Substack.

While the struggle to make ends meet continues to be real some months, having a focus and purpose professionally has helped me personally too. At least a little.

My online, professional life continues to expand and thrive.
My offline, personal life does good to doggy-paddle and survive.

But something shifted this week.

Nothing huge happened—no single event that flipped a switch. Just a series of small moments. I had a few conversations didn’t leave me completely drained. I unclogged a drain in my kitchen. I remembered my love ones with a smile on my face instead of with tears in my eyes.

For the first time in a long time, I felt a little lighter. My life felt a little brighter.

I’m not saying I’m all better or healed. I’m not saying I won’t still have bad days ahead. But for the first time in a long, long time, I feel like maybe—just maybe—I’m starting to turn back on the light grief turned off. Hopefully, I am becoming someone new who’s been shaped by grief, not someone who has been forever broken by it.

If you’ve been there—or if you’re there now—I see you, boo.

And I won’t tell you to just “keep trying” because I know how empty those words can feel, how fucking hard “trying” can be when you don’t see a way out. But I encourage you to be on the lookout for the small shifts..and the dimmer switch.

Frankly, I have quite a few messes to clean up—messes created by avoidance, anxiety, depression, and fear. It will likely take months to regain any semblance of a “normal” life again. But I believe that things take as long as they need to take.

One day, maybe when I least expect it, I hope to catch a glimpse of the man in the mirror and welcome him back. In the meantime, at least he’s starting to look familiar.

Thanks for reading…and have a brighter day!
Clint 🌈✌️

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

• Copyright Is Changing (Top Music Attorney) 📺

• I Make $3.5M/Year Teaching Art (Creator Stories) 📺

• Inside The Studio of The World’s Most Famous Female Artist (Alex William) 📺

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ON THIS DAY = FEBRUARY 8

BIRTHDAYS

• 1819 = John Ruskin = English author, critic, and academic

• 1850 = Kate Chopin = American author

• 1892 = Ralph Chubb = English poet, printer, and artist 🌈

• 1894 = King Vidor = American filmmaker

• 1899 = Lonnie Johnson = American singer-songwriter

• 1914 = Bill Finger = American writer and Batman co-creator

• 1921 = Lana Turner = American actor

• 1922 = Audrey Meadows = American actor and banker

• 1925 = Jack Lemmon = American actor

• 1931 = James Dean = American actor 🌈

• 1932 = John Williams = American pianist, composer, and conductor

• 1940 = Ted Koppel, English-American journalist

• 1941 = Nick Nolte = American actor

• 1942 = Robert Klein = American comedian, actor, and singer

• 1944 = Sebastião Salgado = Brazilian photographer and journalist

• 1953 = Mary Steenburgen = American actor

• 1955 = John Grisham =, American lawyer and author

• 1968 = Gary Coleman = American actor

• 1974 = Seth Green = American actor, voice artist, and filmmaker

• 1977 = Dave Farrell = American musician and songwriter

• 1981 = Jim Parrack = American actor

• 1984 = Cecily Strong = American actor

• 1985 = Jeremy Davis = American bassist and songwriter

EVENTS

• 1915 = D. W. Griffith's controversial landmark film The Birth of a Nation premieres in Los Angeles.

• 1960 = The Hollywood Walk of Fame is founded.

• 1971 = The NASDAQ stock market index opens for the first time.

• 1974 = Good Times premieres on CBS.

• 1977 = White House aide Midge Costanza meets with officers of the National Gay Task Force to discuss what the Carter administration can do to further the cause of gay rights.

HOLIDAYS + OBSERVANCES

• Black History Month

• LGBT History Month (UK)

• National Boys Scouts Day (US)

QUOTE + VIDEO OF THE DAY

“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”
James Dean

NEW + FEATURED

• New = Edward Carpenter

• New = Finders Keepers #2

• Featured = Man Crushes In Color (NSFW)

• Featured = Nightswimming (NSFW)

• Substack = NSFW + Pioneers + Pride + SFW

• YouTube = Playlists + Streams + Videos

MORE FROM COLLIDE PRESS
Bluesky + Ko-Fi + Linktree + Shop
+ Storefront + Threadless + YouTube