Blame + Shame Games

Let The Circle Be Broken...By And By, Lord, By And Bye!

Photo by pisauikan on Unsplash

Yesterday, two amazing, kind, and patient plumbers replaced most of the original, rusted-out plumbing in the house I’ve rented for the past decade. They just returned to finish the rest... and I couldn’t be happier to have them on the job.

My rental is a small, modest home. It looks much younger than its actual age. Not that 71 is old by any stretch, but galvanized steel plumbing just doesn’t hold up to the test of time like it used to.

All the DIY tips and tricks I tried a couple of weeks ago probably didn’t hurt anything, but they certainly didn’t address the real root of the problem.

So, why didn’t I call the plumbers sooner? Let’s just say I learned early how blame and shame games were played—and I have never stopped to question whether they were fair or even necessary.

Growing up in a family where anything that broke was always considered someone’s fault, I learned I was usually going to be blamed. Regardless of age or circumstance, there was always a guilty party. No matter how minor the issue—whether a leaky pipe or a broken toy—someone had to be blamed.

As the only child in the house, I usually found myself in the hot seat, even if it wasn’t my fault. Even if my dad had tried—and failed—to fix it, only to make things worse.

Now, you might be wondering: why does this matter in the grand scheme of getting my plumbing fixed? It matters because these early lessons in blame shaped how I approach the world and react to problems—big and/or small.

For years, I carried a heavy burden of shame that was directly tied to any failure, technical glitch, or broken item. If something went wrong, it was because I did something wrong. I was always the one who “touched it last.”

SHAME IS HARD TO SHAKE

If you grew up in a family like mine, you know exactly what it’s like. Blame and shame can be powerful forces. They’re like emotional quicksand that pull you deeper with each mistake, misstep, or failure.

Growing up in Dallas, Texas, years after JFK’s assassination, I had so much shame, most assumed I was raised Catholic or Jewish. Nope. My mom was a “backsliding” Baptist and my dad was an agnostic who read the Bible as literature.

And my hometown wore a permanent stain of blame and shame, and we, its residents, inherited that stain.

You could feel it in the air—like a collective weight pressing down on every soul who called it home. The legacy of blame and shame was passed down. Many were all too eager to self-flagellate, pointing fingers to make sure everyone knew exactly who had screwed up.

But here’s the kicker: even though we were conditioned to feel shame for every misstep, deep down, it was clear we were all just trying to make sense of things we couldn’t fully understand.

Whether in my family or in the city itself, blame became a coping mechanism—and shame a way to punish ourselves for things that happened before some of us were even born. Original Sin, much?

BREAKING THE CYCLE

So why didn’t I call the plumbers sooner? Because, on some level, I kept thinking I could fix it myself. I thought that if I just tried harder or researched a little more, I’d get it right. I could handle the pipes and the leaks on my own.

It’s the same thinking I carried through life—this idea that I should be able to figure everything out by myself, and that asking for help or admitting I needed help would somehow mean I wasn’t good enough.

But here’s the truth: no one can do it alone all the time. And sometimes, things break. And sometimes, it’s not about assigning blame. It’s about accepting that things happen, that failure is a part of life, and that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength. It’s a sign of being human.

In the end, the plumbers did in hours what I couldn’t in weeks. They replaced the old, clogged, rusted pipes that had been there for years. And it was okay. There was no shame in that. My landlord has been nothing but supportive, reminding me it’s part of her job to handle these things—while also being thankful I tried to be proactive and found a reputable company to manage the situation for us both.

I’m also super thankful she’s agreed to pick up the costly tab. A truly lovely lady…

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

For me, the real lesson isn’t about fixing pipes. It’s about breaking the cycles of blame and shame that have held me back for so long. It’s about learning to break the cycle.

So let the circle be broken, by and by, Lord, by and bye!

I don’t have to live in a world of blame and shame. I don’t have to carry the weight of every failure on my shoulders. By releasing myself from the need to assign blame, I free myself to move forward, fix what’s broken, and accept that sometimes, I need a little help along the way.

And maybe—just maybe—if I learn to let go of the blame and shame game, I can start building a better, healthier life. Project Lite-Brite continues…

Thanks for reading!
Clint 🌈✌️

ON THIS DAY = FEBRUARY 21

BIRTHDAYS

• 1801 = John Henry Newman = English theologian and cardinal 🌈

• 1903 = Anaïs Nin = French writer 🌈

• 1907 = W. H. Auden = Anglo-American poet 🌈

• 1914 = Zachary Scott = American actor 🌈

• 1925 = Sam Peckinpah = American filmmaker

• 1927 = Erma Bombeck = American journalist and author

• 1933 = Bob Rafelson = American filmmaker

• 1933 = Nina Simone = American singer-songwriter and pianist 🌈

• 1934 = Rue McClanahan = American actor

• 1936 = Barbara Jordan = American lawyer, educator, and politician 🌈

• 1937 = Gary Lockwood = American actor 🌈

• 1940 = John Lewis = American civil rights activist and politician

• 1943 = David Geffen = American record executive and film producer 🌈

• 1946 = Alan Rickman = English actor and director

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• 1946 = Tyne Daly = American actor and singer

• 1953 = William Petersen = American actor and producer

• 1955 = Kelsey Grammer = American actor, singer, and producer

• 1958 = Kim Coates = Canadian-American actor

• 1958 = Mary Chapin Carpenter = American singer-songwriter

• 1961 = Christopher Atkins = American actor and businessman

• 1962 = Chuck Palahniuk = American writer 🌈

• 1960 = Isaac Julien = British filmmaker and artist 🌈

• 1962 = David Foster Wallace = American writer

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• 1979 = Jennifer Love Hewitt = American actor and producer

• 1979 = Jordan Peele = American actor, comedian, and filmmaker

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• 1989 = Corbin Bleu = American actor, model, dancer, and singer-songwriter

• 1991 = Joe Alwyn = English actor 🌈

• 1996 = Sophie Turner = English actor 🌈

EVENTS

• 1804 = The world’s first steam locomotive, built by Richard Trevithick, runs for the first time along the tramway of the Penydarren Ironworks in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales

• 1842 = John Greenough is granted the first U.S. patent for the sewing machine.

• 1896 = An Englishman raised in Australia, Bob Fitzsimmons, fought an Irishman, Peter Maher, in an American promoted event which technically took place in Mexico, winning the 1896 World Heavyweight Championship in boxing.

• 1903 = NYPD conducts the first recorded raid on a gay bathhouse in the US, the Ariston Hotel Baths, which had been in operation since 1897. Twenty-six men are arrested and 12 are brought to trial on sodomy charges; seven men receive sentences ranging from 4 to 20 years in prison.

• 1925 = The New Yorker publishes its first issue.

• 1947 = Edwin Land demonstrates the first "instant camera", the Polaroid Land Camera, to a meeting of the Optical Society of America.

• 1958 = The CND symbol, aka peace symbol, commissioned by the Direct Action Committee in protest against the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment, is designed and completed by Gerald Holtom.

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PORTRAIT + QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
Chuck Palahniuk from Diary

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