As much as I love people, groups of people have always made me a little twitchy.
And occasionally more than a little bitchy too.
I know we’re tribal. We’re wired for belonging. We form circles, clubs, congregations, committees, masterminds, and endless group chats. For a lot of folks, that energy is like oxygen. The more the merrier. The louder the better.
For me? It depends. On the decibel level. On the size of the group. And on whether the vibe feels warm and welcoming or competitive and cunty.
Most groups I’ve been part of eventually start to feel like a bad flashback to high school. Cliques form. Lines get drawn. Mean girls make their entrance. A few become the “in crowd” and while the rest become the outsiders. Cue the senseless drama.
When that shift happens, I’m out. I graduated high school a lonnnnnng time ago. And I have zero interest in going back.
I love dinner parties where the vibe is easy and no one is trying to dominate the room like they’re auditioning for a High School Musical reboot.
But once the guest list grows and the volume cranks up, something in me tightens. My inner critic sharpens its claws. My patience grows very thin, and I can feel myself mentally reaching for my coat. I start scanning for the exit sign: Get me out of here!
It’s not that I dislike people. I actually love people. One on one, I’m all in. With two or three, I’m relaxed and having fun. I like to be able to have a meaningful conversation. About what keeps you up at night. About what you love to make. About what you dream about…when you let yourself dream.
These kinds of conversations are my jam.
Group dynamics and groupthink? Not so much.
There’s often an unspoken hierarchy in groups. The loudest voice wins. The quickest joke gets the laugh. The strongest opinion sets the tone and shifts the energy of the room. Nuance gets trampled. Listening becomes a competition. And tribalism sneaks in, disguised with a friendly smile.
I’ve watched rooms divide into “us versus them” in record time. Shared identity can quietly turn into subtle exclusion. We may be wired for belonging, but we’re also wired for sorting. Who’s in. Who’s out. Who’s cool. Who’s clueless. Who aligns. Who doesn’t.
Some people thrive in that ecosystem. They’re natural joiners. They love the rhythm of a team, the structure of a club, the feeling of being part of something bigger.
And I respect that. Groups can create momentum that individuals simply can’t. Movements aren’t built by hermits or homebodies.
But I’ve always been a group-adjacent loner. A mostly happy “homo alono.”
Home is my sanctuary. And my workshop. Give me a quiet room, a good conversation, a creative project, and one or two trusted humans, and I’m golden.
Socially, that can mean fewer friends, fewer invites, fewer automatic plus ones. But quality wins over quantity in my book. (Unless we’re talking fast food. Then quantity makes a compelling case.)
There are trade-offs to being a “homo alono” homebody. I miss some of the magic that only happens when a large group of humans fill a room or venue. I don’t always hear about the latest event, party, or trend until it’s already over. It’s easy to drift into isolation without meaning to.
But small circles more than make up for it. I’ll take depth over breadth any day. Intimacy over optics any day. Real conversation over performance art any day.
When I sit across from one person and truly listen, something shifts. The masks loosen. The volume drops. The truth gets a little braver and comes out to play.
I’ve learned I don’t need to turn myself into a joiner to live a full life. I just need to honor my wiring. To show up when and where I can show up. To leave before I turn all bitchy and twitchy. To build friendships that can weather the good and bad times alike.
Tribes are powerful. But so are individual contributors.
Maybe the sweet spot isn’t choosing one over the other. Maybe it’s knowing when to step into the circle and when to step into my sanctuary. When to engage and when to retreat. When to amplify and when to reflect.
Some of us refuel in the crowd.
Some of us refuel on the couch.
A few of us can do both.
Whatever works, always do you, boo!
Clint 🌈✌️
COLLIDE PRESS is a reader-supported publication.
Please consider becoming a Paid Subscriber or Patron.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
BORN THIS WAY ON THIS DAY
03-04 = Aribert Reimann (1936-2024) = German composer 🌈
03-04 = Chaz Bono (1969- ) = American writer, musician, and actor 🌈
03-04 = Jean O’Leary (1948-2005) = American activist 🌈
03-04 = Svend Robinson (1952- ) = Canadian former politician 🌈
MAN CRUSH OF THE DAY
“If you have to lie, cheat, steal, obstruct and bully to get your point across, it must not be a point capable of surviving on its own merits.”
Steven Weber
I feel this hardcore, Clint. Solidarity! 1:1 or maybe even 1:few works best for me. Groups mostly drain me dry.
🎵🎸🏳🌈🌈🖤🤎🤍💜💙💚💛🧡❤ Thanks Clint and Jeffrey Steven Weber ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍🤎🖤🌈🏳🌈🎸🎵