Is It Really Greener On The Other Side?

Wishin' + Hopin' For What We Don't Have

Photo by Jiri Horych on Unsplash

As I shift from being “single” to being “ready to mingle,” I’ve been noticing something about myself and the other guys I run into on the dating/hookup apps:

Most of us don’t know what we want.
But we definitely know what we don’t want.

And too many guys, in my opinion, focus on their dislikes so much that they wouldn’t recognize what they do like if it smacked them in the face.

As for me, I have some general ideas about what I’d love to find. Friends and fun. Connection and communication. But I don’t pretend to know exactly what that looks like in real life.

Attraction, chemistry, and kindness matter. Beyond that, I can’t say how young or old, big or small, light or dark, hairy or smooth someone will be. Those things, while fun to cuss and discuss, ultimately don’t matter that much to me.

Instead, I fall back on the classic line: “I’ll know it when I see it.” Lame, I know, but I’m amazed how many other guys seem to be operating from the exact same playbook.

And this isn’t just a single gay guy phenomenon. I see it everywhere. With men who are single. With men in monogamous relationships. With men in open relationships. Even with men who are just beginning to find their way back to dating after years of avoiding men altogether.

That “maybe something better is out there” mindset follows us everywhere.

Again, I’m not pointing fingers at anyone (except myself). I’m very much part of the club (and problem). But the more people I meet, the more I realize most of us are walking around with a vague sense of what we want while quietly hoping Prince Charming will just magically appear.

Deep down, I think a lot of our inner Goldilocks are running the show.

We’re all looking for someone who isn’t:

• Too clingy.

• Too distant.

• Too goofy.

• Too serious.

• Too sexual.

• Too…too!

So we keep testing the temperature of our proverbial porridge:

• This one’s too hot.

• That one’s too cold.

• The next one might be just right.

Dating apps don’t help with this tendency. If anything, they amplify it. There is always another face. Another body. Another profile. Another possibility just one swipe away.

Endless choices can feel exciting at first. But they also create a quiet pressure to keep looking for our imaginary Prince Charming.

• Maybe the next guy will be hotter.

• Maybe the next guy will be funnier.

• Maybe the next guy will be more available.

• Maybe the next guy will be less complicated.

Maybe the grass is greener over there.
Or over there. Or over there.
So we keep looking.

I catch myself doing it all the time. I can be talking to someone nice and interesting, someone who clearly took the time to show up as a real human being. And part of my brain is already drifting toward the horizon, wondering who else might be out there.

It’s a strange habit when you stop to think about it. A very dehumanizing one.

To be clear, I don’t think the answer is settling. I know for sure that not all connections are meant to last. But I do wonder if the constant search for “better” sometimes gets in the way of discovering someone who might actually be good for and to us.

After more than thirty years of dating and relationships, I’ve learned that real people don’t always reveal themselves right away. Some personalities and chemistry take time. Some relationships need a little breathing room before they begin to make sense.

If we’re always scanning the horizon for the next possibility, we might miss what’s already happening right in front of us.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered this lesson. Not even close. I’m still figuring it out in real time. But I am trying to slow my roll a little. To stay curious and present a little longer. To give people the space to surprise me instead of jumping to conclusions.

Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side.
And sometimes the grass gets greener because we decide to water it.

Keep calm and get your green on! 💚☘️✅
Clint 🌈✌️

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FROM THE ARCHIVES

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BORN THIS WAY ON THIS DAY

• 03-09 = Lonny Price (1959- ) = American actor, director, and screenwriter 🌈

• 03-09 = Lord Ivar Mountbatten (1963- ) = British nobleman 🌈

• 03-09 = Richard Adams (1947-2012) = Filipino-American activist 🌈

• 03-09 = Samuel Barber (1910-1981) = American composer 🌈

• 03-09 = Vita Sackville-West (1892-1962) = English writer and poet 🌈

• 03-09 = Will Geer (1902-1978) = American actor and social activist 🌈

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MAN CRUSH OF THE DAY

SAMUEL BARBER

“I was supposed to be a doctor. I was supposed to go to Princeton. And everything I was supposed to do I didn’t.”
Samuel Barber