'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'
Singing And Dancing...Like No One's Watching
I’ve always loved singing. Mostly in the car or in the shower.
During my early 20s, I traveled so much for work that I started rating hotels by how good their showers made my voice sound. True story.
Whenever I’m (mostly) alone and wherever I’m (mostly) not going to embarrass myself too badly, I tend to sing loudly and proudly. And when I’m not singing, I’m probably humming…because I don’t know or can’t remember the lyrics.
Back in 1996, some friends convinced me I had a decent voice and should try karaoke. The first time I “took the stage” was with two of those friends during a business trip to Australia.
It was a night to remember….the crowd at the small bar an hour outside of Sydney was rowdy and ready to have a good time. So our newly-formed karaoke group did our best to entertain with rambunctious renditions of “If You Leave” by Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark (OMD) and “Y.M.C.A.” by the Village People.
One of my friends—an American—had the voice of a frog. The other—an Aussie—had the voice of an angel. I stood between them, my voice somewhere in the middle.
As bad as we probably sounded, the crowd ate it up.
Especially my terrible attempt at choreography during “Y.M.C.A.”
During “If You Leave,” Miss Aussie Angel turned to me and said, “Not a bad voice, Clint, but don’t just stand there. You’re not a rock. Dance like no one’s looking.”
But they were looking. And my imagination is only so good.
Long story short: we weren’t the worst act of the night—but we weren’t the best either. Still, despite my twenty-something insecurities and my ever-present self-consciousness, I had a great time.
When I got back to Dallas, I decided to go out—alone—to a karaoke night at one of my favorite gay bars. It was...also a night to remember.
Why I thought it was a good idea to sing U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” remains a mystery. I blame a cocktail of jetlag and loneliness. I was single and ready to mingle, and I thought my untrained voice might mesh well with Bono’s.
Let’s just say...I was wrong.
Good Golly, Miss Molly! From the very first note, I knew I was in danger, gurl.
My performance—or lack thereof—brought the bar to a near-standstill. Faces shifted from concern to curiosity to disbelief. I might’ve been smiling on the outside, but inside I just wanted to disappear.
It was the longest four-and-a-half minutes of my life.
When the song finally ended, I handed off the mic like it was a live grenade and made a beeline for the exit. I could tell from the crowd’s faces that there was little chances I would be mingling that night. Or so I thought.
A handsome, blue-eyed guy stopped me on my way out. He touched my arm gently.
“Hi. I’m Allen. Don’t be so hard on yourself, handsome. At least you tried. Unlike most of these cowards. Want to go out sometime?”
It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for—a pity date—but beggars can’t be choosers. We ended up going out for dinner and a movie a few days later. And while romantic sparks didn’t fly, a friendship bloomed. We stayed in touch for a while, until we both moved to opposite sides of the country…before social media and free long-distance calls. Allen was a lovely friend for a reason and a season…
Cut to 29 years later: me, last night, singing and dancing alone in my living room. Still single. And maybe ready to mingle?
Over the years, my voice hasn’t improved much—and my dancing definitely hasn’t—but I’ve stopped caring so much about what others think. I focus on having fun.
As for the traveling, I do miss it, but not the jetlag. Or the loneliness.
Somewhere along the way between then and now, I learned I could be alone without being lonely. And when I’m singing and dancing like no one’s watching—sometimes, I’m all the company and harmony I really need.
I hope YOU dance!
Clint 🌈✌️
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FOR YOUR (SUBSTACK) CONSIDERATION
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ON THIS DAY = APRIL 11
BIRTHDAYS
1901 = Glenway Wescott = American writer 🌈
1913 = Oleg Cassini = French-American fashion designer
1916 = Howard W. Koch = American director and producer
1932 = Joel Grey = American actor, singer, dancer, and director 🌈
1944 = John Milius = American filmmaker
1946 = Chris Burden = American sculptor, illustrator, and academic
1947 = Uli Edel = German filmmaker
1955 = Michael Callen = American singer-songwriter, author, and activist 🌈
1956 = Christine Hallquist = American politician 🌈
1961 = Vincent Gallo = American actor, director, producer, and musician
1966 = Lisa Stansfield = English singer-songwriter and actor
1973 = Jennifer Esposito = American actor and writer
1987 = Joss Stone = English singer-songwriter and actor
EVENTS
1952 = Singin' in the Rain is released in theaters.
1968 = POTUS Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1968, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing.
1976 = The Apple I is created.
HOLIDAYS + OBSERVANCES
PORTRAIT + QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don't like labels, but if you have to put a label on it, I'm a gay man.”
Joel Grey
"If you don't tell the whole truth about yourself, life is a ridiculous exercise.”
Joel Grey
NEW + FEATURED
Always A Pleasure #1 (NSFW)
Try A Little Tenderness #1 (NSFW)
Magnifique Men #1 (NSFW)
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