You really got to me today with both the subject matter and with your way with words. As a result, this is going to be a longish comment, but I hope an instructive one and a helpful one for those who don't yet understand what it was like for someone in my situation. I turn 78 in a few weeks, so I easily fit in today's category. For lack of a better one, I'll just call this "My story". I grew up in a very small farming village in northern Illinois. By the time I was 9 or so, the town opened a community pool and I saw many other boys and men naked during the mandatory shower before we could swim. I was totally fascinated by what I saw, entranced almost. But I didn't understand what it meant of course. At 12 or so, my grade school had multiple age phys ed and again mandatory showers. Some of the older kids had already developed and a few, usually jerks, even feigned jacking off. Now I realized that what I was feeling was sexually responding, but to guys. But how could I be sure? No internet to consult. No encyclopedia which gave anything other than dry and generally negative info on being gay. No library in a town that small would even carry any books about homosexuality or heaven forbid, any gay stories or gay themed books. In high school, phys ed or a sports practice gave me so much excitement that I dreaded showering for fear of getting hard. I knew all the "big" boys and all the cute more normally developed ones and even felt sorry for those late to puberty. I had a few favorites, but there was zero chance I'd find a gay guy among the mere 24 or so that were in my class. I made friends with a few that I wished might be, but there was no way I'd make a move on anyone in that environment. I dated like most, but all my dates were limited to proms and homecomings and were always total disasters.
So off to college it was. My school was a small liberal arts college, so there were certainly a few gays among them. Again, I befriended possibilities, but just couldn't do more than touch a thigh or similar now and then. And none of them did either. I was able to get more info in college, but that didn't really help because I was pretty confident I was gay at that point. Then came the moment that would shape my life for the next 50 years. I was introduced to a new transfer in and, the minute I saw her, I was blown away. I had never reacted that way to any female before. We started dating and I began to doubt myself, thinking "maybe I'm not gay after all". She fell for me and I "thought" I had fallen for her. Shortly, we were engaged to marry right after I graduated. This was Vietnam era, and I knew we'd need to marry quickly as I the unlucky draft number of #15. But I managed to enlist in the Air Force to lessen the risk of going to Nam or even of carrying a gun. I was "smart enough", or in reality "dumb enough" to recognize that we needed to have sex before getting married so I could get "reassured" that I was or was not gay. So we did, both of us a virgins at the time. Well, guess what? I loved it. Of course I did, but I failed to recognize both that the feelings I had for her were not right AND that I was more or less just doing what was expected and even having parts that I hated, like stimulating her clitoris. But my idiocy prevailed and we married. 11 months later my first son was born and 2 years after that, my second one was. The sex part of our marriage had already started to deteriorate and got worse and worse over time. My wife said "I really needed to be alone" and she was right of course, but I could not face giving up my children, whom I loved deeply and courts at that time would have given joint custody and probably not even given me very good visiting rights.
When I got out of the Air Force, we were living in Baltimore, which we loved, but the job market was not very good. I ended up paying health insurance claims and selling some insurance on the side. This is when I had my one and only chance to live the life I was meant to lead. I met a gorgeous young black man on an insurance visit and I could tell he was gay and I hoped he could also. On our second visit, I went to his apartment. I immediately noticed gay magazines on his coffee table. We sat next to each other and soon he reached down to my waist and felt my rock hard cock of course. This let to lots of talking and progressive sexual activity, ending with full naked mutual masturbation. I was in seventh heaven, but not sure about what he felt. I told him how fraught I was and had to leave for home shortly thereafter. Twice in the next two days he tried to convince me to split up, divorce, and lead the gay life. I should have, I know, but the pull to stay with my kids, then 7 and 5 was way too strong and I couldn't do it.
That would be the one and only gay sexual encounter I would have, even to this day. We moved to Omaha where I lived for the next 33 years, still with my wife. So much was pretend at that point that it was literally embarrassing when family would tell us what a great couple we were. We never had sex for the last 30 years. By this time, my kids were 45 and 43, one married with 4 kids and the other single (he may be gay, but has never told me). For the last two years, my life had become unbearable. I had always said I would not break my vows nor ask my wife for a divorce, wanting her to be the one to do so. But in March of 2019, I could not take any more. So I set separate lunch meetings with two kids and told them that I was gay and was going to divorce. Both were EXTREMELY supportive and loving to me. We got an amicable divorce quite quickly, and put the house on the market. A month later I went with my older son to Texas to help him find an apartment for his new job. I fell in love with the city of Plano on the highly multi-cultural east side of town, found and bought a house and moved there on July 1, 2019.
In the interim, I had told all my siblings that I was gay, my parents already having died. I was very afraid to tell my older brother, as he is very conservative and we'd not been the best of friends growing up. Much to my surprise, he was wonderful and I ended up bawling all over the place because of his reaction. Now try this one on for size. Three days before we turned over the house to its new owner (we'd already closed), my wife tried to kill herself by overdosing on her meds. She failed, but was placed in a mental hospital. That meant I also had the almost unbearable task of calling and telling her brother what she had done and that I was gay and all about what had been going on. They were so very nice. They said "we never did understand how you put up with her all of these years. We still love you. And indeed, we still stay in touch and I went to one of my nephew's weddings recently.
Anyway, to wrap this up, I came out publicly on Facebook in the fall of 2019 and was planning on getting active in the gay life, but of course then COVID hit and that lasted for another 2.5 years. So now, I'm still hesitant to pull the trigger because I'm so old and I'd have no idea how to go about it anyway. Would I do it just to have real sex? Almost for sure, but the market for me is pretty limited. Would I do it to find real love? Absolutely. If I knew that would happen I'd jump through hoops to make it so. I'm old, but I'm still functional and very horny! So I better get out there I guess, if I can overcome my fear. That's my story. I'm so glad kids and older people today do not have to go through what we did. Believe me, it's no accident that I now want to live in a big city, and I'm pretty sure the DFW metroplex qualifies as such. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
Dearest David…thank you for sharing your journey. As a Dallas native, I can’t think of a better place to come out and experience love and lust. Don’t get tripped up on dates on a calendar. Follow your heart (or nether regions) and make some connections. I’m in the process of doing the same, after nearly 5 years of solo-tude. Wishing you love and light!
Beautiful post today, Clint! ❤️ Thanks for helping us remember to spend a moment in gratitude for all we have. And, as a trans and queer elder myself, I hope those youngsters know we aren't done fighting for their rights anytime soon.
Elder? Mr. Robin…my spidey sense tells me you’re way younger than you suggest. Though, as I mentioned earlier to someone: Anything over 30 in SoCal is considered elder. I’m right in the middle of Golden Girls era. :-p
You are indeed a lucky man, Jimmy. I lost my dad early. Often wonder what he would have thought of all this stuff. My condolences on your loss. Love and light!
And especially because Dad Bill stepped into the role after my biological father Jim was killed six months before I was born...
In 1984 when my sexuality was addressed by my parents, my mother turned away from me. Dad Bill Boy never wavered and said, "This doesn't change the fact that you are my son. I love you. Your mother loves you, but she is going to have a very difficult time with this."
You really got to me today with both the subject matter and with your way with words. As a result, this is going to be a longish comment, but I hope an instructive one and a helpful one for those who don't yet understand what it was like for someone in my situation. I turn 78 in a few weeks, so I easily fit in today's category. For lack of a better one, I'll just call this "My story". I grew up in a very small farming village in northern Illinois. By the time I was 9 or so, the town opened a community pool and I saw many other boys and men naked during the mandatory shower before we could swim. I was totally fascinated by what I saw, entranced almost. But I didn't understand what it meant of course. At 12 or so, my grade school had multiple age phys ed and again mandatory showers. Some of the older kids had already developed and a few, usually jerks, even feigned jacking off. Now I realized that what I was feeling was sexually responding, but to guys. But how could I be sure? No internet to consult. No encyclopedia which gave anything other than dry and generally negative info on being gay. No library in a town that small would even carry any books about homosexuality or heaven forbid, any gay stories or gay themed books. In high school, phys ed or a sports practice gave me so much excitement that I dreaded showering for fear of getting hard. I knew all the "big" boys and all the cute more normally developed ones and even felt sorry for those late to puberty. I had a few favorites, but there was zero chance I'd find a gay guy among the mere 24 or so that were in my class. I made friends with a few that I wished might be, but there was no way I'd make a move on anyone in that environment. I dated like most, but all my dates were limited to proms and homecomings and were always total disasters.
So off to college it was. My school was a small liberal arts college, so there were certainly a few gays among them. Again, I befriended possibilities, but just couldn't do more than touch a thigh or similar now and then. And none of them did either. I was able to get more info in college, but that didn't really help because I was pretty confident I was gay at that point. Then came the moment that would shape my life for the next 50 years. I was introduced to a new transfer in and, the minute I saw her, I was blown away. I had never reacted that way to any female before. We started dating and I began to doubt myself, thinking "maybe I'm not gay after all". She fell for me and I "thought" I had fallen for her. Shortly, we were engaged to marry right after I graduated. This was Vietnam era, and I knew we'd need to marry quickly as I the unlucky draft number of #15. But I managed to enlist in the Air Force to lessen the risk of going to Nam or even of carrying a gun. I was "smart enough", or in reality "dumb enough" to recognize that we needed to have sex before getting married so I could get "reassured" that I was or was not gay. So we did, both of us a virgins at the time. Well, guess what? I loved it. Of course I did, but I failed to recognize both that the feelings I had for her were not right AND that I was more or less just doing what was expected and even having parts that I hated, like stimulating her clitoris. But my idiocy prevailed and we married. 11 months later my first son was born and 2 years after that, my second one was. The sex part of our marriage had already started to deteriorate and got worse and worse over time. My wife said "I really needed to be alone" and she was right of course, but I could not face giving up my children, whom I loved deeply and courts at that time would have given joint custody and probably not even given me very good visiting rights.
When I got out of the Air Force, we were living in Baltimore, which we loved, but the job market was not very good. I ended up paying health insurance claims and selling some insurance on the side. This is when I had my one and only chance to live the life I was meant to lead. I met a gorgeous young black man on an insurance visit and I could tell he was gay and I hoped he could also. On our second visit, I went to his apartment. I immediately noticed gay magazines on his coffee table. We sat next to each other and soon he reached down to my waist and felt my rock hard cock of course. This let to lots of talking and progressive sexual activity, ending with full naked mutual masturbation. I was in seventh heaven, but not sure about what he felt. I told him how fraught I was and had to leave for home shortly thereafter. Twice in the next two days he tried to convince me to split up, divorce, and lead the gay life. I should have, I know, but the pull to stay with my kids, then 7 and 5 was way too strong and I couldn't do it.
That would be the one and only gay sexual encounter I would have, even to this day. We moved to Omaha where I lived for the next 33 years, still with my wife. So much was pretend at that point that it was literally embarrassing when family would tell us what a great couple we were. We never had sex for the last 30 years. By this time, my kids were 45 and 43, one married with 4 kids and the other single (he may be gay, but has never told me). For the last two years, my life had become unbearable. I had always said I would not break my vows nor ask my wife for a divorce, wanting her to be the one to do so. But in March of 2019, I could not take any more. So I set separate lunch meetings with two kids and told them that I was gay and was going to divorce. Both were EXTREMELY supportive and loving to me. We got an amicable divorce quite quickly, and put the house on the market. A month later I went with my older son to Texas to help him find an apartment for his new job. I fell in love with the city of Plano on the highly multi-cultural east side of town, found and bought a house and moved there on July 1, 2019.
In the interim, I had told all my siblings that I was gay, my parents already having died. I was very afraid to tell my older brother, as he is very conservative and we'd not been the best of friends growing up. Much to my surprise, he was wonderful and I ended up bawling all over the place because of his reaction. Now try this one on for size. Three days before we turned over the house to its new owner (we'd already closed), my wife tried to kill herself by overdosing on her meds. She failed, but was placed in a mental hospital. That meant I also had the almost unbearable task of calling and telling her brother what she had done and that I was gay and all about what had been going on. They were so very nice. They said "we never did understand how you put up with her all of these years. We still love you. And indeed, we still stay in touch and I went to one of my nephew's weddings recently.
Anyway, to wrap this up, I came out publicly on Facebook in the fall of 2019 and was planning on getting active in the gay life, but of course then COVID hit and that lasted for another 2.5 years. So now, I'm still hesitant to pull the trigger because I'm so old and I'd have no idea how to go about it anyway. Would I do it just to have real sex? Almost for sure, but the market for me is pretty limited. Would I do it to find real love? Absolutely. If I knew that would happen I'd jump through hoops to make it so. I'm old, but I'm still functional and very horny! So I better get out there I guess, if I can overcome my fear. That's my story. I'm so glad kids and older people today do not have to go through what we did. Believe me, it's no accident that I now want to live in a big city, and I'm pretty sure the DFW metroplex qualifies as such. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
Dearest David…thank you for sharing your journey. As a Dallas native, I can’t think of a better place to come out and experience love and lust. Don’t get tripped up on dates on a calendar. Follow your heart (or nether regions) and make some connections. I’m in the process of doing the same, after nearly 5 years of solo-tude. Wishing you love and light!
Thanks Clint.
Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune The music's played by the madmen
Forever young, David Guetta was one or the writers, best known for Titanium.
Beautiful post today, Clint! ❤️ Thanks for helping us remember to spend a moment in gratitude for all we have. And, as a trans and queer elder myself, I hope those youngsters know we aren't done fighting for their rights anytime soon.
Elder? Mr. Robin…my spidey sense tells me you’re way younger than you suggest. Though, as I mentioned earlier to someone: Anything over 30 in SoCal is considered elder. I’m right in the middle of Golden Girls era. :-p
Given that I recently retired from teaching, I wonder if I'm now considered an elder...?!
Now, Dan, you know well and good anyone over the age of 30 is considered an elder. At least in SoCal. :-p
When I moved here, I was 25 and guys were calling me “Daddy.” True story.
"I was 25 and guys were calling me 'Daddy'."
I love you.
We're all just little boys wired for "Dad's" love, respect and acceptance.
I'm so lucky to have had the best Dad in human history. He passed in 2019.
Amen.
You are indeed a lucky man, Jimmy. I lost my dad early. Often wonder what he would have thought of all this stuff. My condolences on your loss. Love and light!
And especially because Dad Bill stepped into the role after my biological father Jim was killed six months before I was born...
In 1984 when my sexuality was addressed by my parents, my mother turned away from me. Dad Bill Boy never wavered and said, "This doesn't change the fact that you are my son. I love you. Your mother loves you, but she is going to have a very difficult time with this."
I love you, Dad.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🌈🕯️
To paraphrase immortal lyrics from The Lion King: “The CIRCLE (JERK) OF LIIIIIIIIFE!”