I woke up this morning to a flurry of texts. Apparently, I fell asleep while texting with several friends last night. Oops.
One of the messages confirmed what I had already suspected: a lovely friend—who now lives half a world away—is getting married again. And I could not be happier for him and his fiancé. Truly.
From my vantage point (which is usually on the couch, with a remote in one hand and my iPad in the other), my friend and his fiancé have the kind of relationship I hope to eventually be part of: loving, supportive, and deeply understanding. The kind where the people involved don’t just love each other. They like each other too. The kind of relationship where everyone shows up, communicates well, laughs often, fights fair, and chooses each other…over and over again.
As a single gay guy of a “certain age,” I’ve spent years watching friends pair off, break up, get back together, get divorced, find someone (or someones) new to love, and, in some cases, get married all over again.
Through all the plot twists, heartbreaks, and unexpected detours, most of my friends have remained remarkably steadfast in their belief in the possibility and power of love. If you are willing to stay open to it and put in the work to nurture it.
My friends’ collective resilience has become its own kind of love story. It’s a reminder that love isn’t a one-time miracle. It’s something you have to choose. Something you have to practice. Most if not every single day.
In my twenties and thirties, I treated love like a competitive sport, as if there were only so many winners. And I was always getting picked last, falling further behind the pack at every turn.
Way back then, other people’s happiness didn’t inspire me. It unsettled me. It stirred up envy, comparison, and jealousy. My bratty inner child often seethed (and wailed), “What’s wrong with ME?! Why not MEEEEEEEEE?!”
Luckily for everyone involved, my inner brat finally started growing up around my 40th birthday. Therapy helped some, but age (and experience) helped even more.
My inner brat didn’t disappear completely, but it did learn how to be happy for others.
My internal script slowly shifted from “Why can’t I find love?” to “If love is possible for my friends, it’s possible for me too.”
Possible, yes. Probable even.
Just…not yet. At least not for me.
Though I’ve had a few close calls….
So for now, I find myself living and loving vicariously. I cheer loudly for engagements and anniversaries. I tear up at wedding photos of people I haven’t seen in years. I feel real joy watching friends build lives with people who see them, hold them, challenge them, and choose them.
I may not have a plus-one right now, but I do have front-row seats to so many beautiful love stories. And instead of resenting that, I’ve got my pom-poms out, cheering from the sidelines.
My friends’ relationships warm my heart. And they remind me to remain open. To possibility, to timing, to surprise. In my experience, love shows up when and where you least expect it.
So perhaps, one of these days, I’ll be the one sending a “we’re getting married” text. But don’t hold your breath. For now, I’m still just taking applications and conducting interviews. 🥸
Keep calm and love on!
Clint 🌈✌️
P.S. If I ever do say “I do,” I hope it’s to a man worthy of this song. And of all the slow dances and late-night heart-to-hearts that come with it. I’m just putting it out there. Because you never know, right?
COLLIDE PRESS is a reader-supported publication.
Please consider becoming a Paid Subscriber or Patron.
BORN THIS WAY ON THIS DAY
01-22 = Conrad Veidt (1893-1943) = German-American actor and filmmaker 🌈
01-22 = Elaine Noble (1944- ) = American politician and activist 🌈
01-22 = Francis Bacon (1909-1992) = British painter 🌈
01-22 = Lord Byron (1788-1824) = British poet 🌈
01-22 = Ondrej Nepela (1951-1989) = Slovak figure skater 🌈
01-22 = Sergei Eisenstein (1898-1948) = Russian filmmaker 🌈
01-22 = Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) = English philosopher and statesman 🌈
MAN CRUSH OF THE DAY
“So now it is time to disassemble the parts of the jigsaw puzzle or to piece another one together, for I find that, having come to the end of my story, my life is just beginning.”
Conrad Veidt
What a beautiful synchronicity. Yesterday I came across a quote by Carl Jung and it's been on my mind since: “To love someone else is easy, but to love what you are, the thing that is yourself, is just as if you were embracing a glowing red-hot iron: it burns into you, and that is very painful. Therefore, to love somebody else in the first place is always an escape which we all hope for, and we all enjoy it when we are capable of it. But in the long run, it comes back on us. You cannot stay away from yourself forever, you have to return, have to come to that experiment, to know whether you really can love. That is the question — whether you can love yourself, and that will be the test.” — Carl Jung
I very much relate to this. And…at age 46…dare I say it “out loud”…I think I finally recently met “my person.” And he feels the same way. I’ll probably get around to writing about it eventually but for now, I am just enjoying the magic and connection that I wasn’t sure existed for me