Though experience keeps proving otherwise, I like to believe vacations are a clean break. A neatly packaged reset button from whatever’s going on in my “real” life.
Turns out, my brain doesn’t give a single fuck about vacations.
So instead of heading out on my first excursion and doing the whole “touch grass” thing yesterday, I ended up staying on the ship. Not by choice. But by necessity.
Another anxiety attack struck me down after I posted my blog. Somewhere between breakfast and getting ready to leave, my optimistic mood turned upside down.
For those lucky enough to have never experienced one, an anxiety attack feels like your body hit the emergency button for no clear reason.
My heart races, my chest tightens, my thoughts scatter, and every part of me is convinced something is wrong, even when I know it’s a false alarm. Logic doesn’t really work in those moments.
The only thing that seems to work for me is to breathe and just let it pass.
I’ve been having anxiety attacks at least every other day on this trip. Fun. Not exactly the kind of souvenir I had in mind when I planned it out.
But given my history of mental health challenges, it’s not exactly surprising. Still, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. Or exhausting.
So I skipped the excursion, stayed in my room, and rode out the storm.
Not glamorous. Not impressive. Maybe not even worth writing about. Except I know I’m far from alone in this, and there’s no shame in the mental health game. Beating ourselves up about it doesn’t help, and pretending they don’t happen doesn’t make them go away.
At least my latest happened before the excursion instead of during it. Somewhere private. Somewhere safe. No audience. No added layer of embarrassment or need to explain why I suddenly couldn’t function in a group setting.
Small wins count, even when they don’t feel like wins.
A bigger win is what’s waiting for me on the other side of this trip. I’ve got my first session lined up with a new therapist I feel really good about. Not just someone to vent to, but someone who might actually help me get a handle on these attacks instead of just surviving them.
That matters to me more than any excursion I missed.
In about thirty minutes, I’ll be disembarking the MS Noordam in Seattle. Like my new friend Tina, I’ve been ready to get off for a few days. Great food and some lovely people, but it’s just not the right cruise ship vibe for me.
What’s awaiting me on dry land is way better. I’m heading back to spend another day and night with my sister from another mister, Miss M. Then, tomorrow after rush hour, I’m driving to Portland to spend a couple of days with another chosen sister, Miss B.
They know me. They get me. They don’t require a polished version of me.
If there’s one thing this trip is reinforcing, it’s this: mental health doesn’t clock out just because I booked a getaway. The scenery can change. The food can be great. The views can be unreal. And still, my brain can manage to spiral…even in paradise.
That doesn’t mean the trip is a failure. It just means it’s had some detours and diversions that I hadn’t planned for. So I didn’t hike the trails. Or take as many photos as I had hoped. Or check all the boxes on my “to-do” lists. Oh. Well.
But I got through another adventure, another storm. I faced my demons head-on, slayed the ones I could, and I stood up to the ones I couldn’t. I didn’t run. And I didn’t pretend it wasn’t happening. I held my ground and felt every feeling.
Right now, those small wins matter more than I ever gave them credit for before.
The struggle is still mighty real. But so am I.
Thank you for being a friend!
Clint 🌈✌️
COLLIDE PRESS is a reader-supported publication.
Please consider becoming a Paid Subscriber or Patron.
ICYMI = IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
SUNDAY = Embarkation Approaches
MONDAY = 'At Sea' (For Me) Day
TUESDAY = Catch Me In Ketchikan (If You Can)
WEDNESDAY = 'The Best Camera Is The One That's With You'
THURSDAY = Relaxing + Relating + Releasing
FRIDAY = Five Cruise Lines Ranked
SATURDAY = Time To Touch Grass, Y'all
FROM THE ARCHIVES
BORN THIS WAY ON THIS DAY
04-26 = Lily Parr (1905-1978) = English athlete 🌈
04-26 = Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951) = Austrian philosopher 🌈
04-26 = Ma Rainey (1886-1939) = American singer-songwriter 🌈
MAN CRUSHES OF THE DAY
“There is a price to pay for most of our actions. For every action, there is a reaction.”
Giancarlo Esposito
“If you’re in public and standing still, don’t take a phone call. It’s that simple. All you’re doing is holding those around you hostage to a one-sided conversation.”
Sean Evans
“I like being in new places and seeing new sights.”
Tom Welling
Sorry you have to go through this. I've been there too. Sometimes it feels safer to stay inside than to confront anxiety provoking situations. You're doing the right thing but beginning work with a new therapist. Hoping all goes well for you.
I clicked "♥️" but would have liked "hug" emoticon instead. Sorry to hear of the attacks. Glad to hear you survived. Little wins are part of larger successes. Take care friend, Fondly, Michael