Pee-wee...as Himself?
Conflicted Feelings About A Complicated Artist
I was 13 when I first became aware of Pee-wee Herman. Not just as the cartoonish man-child character in a gray suit and red bow tie, but as something eerily close to home.
Pee-weeās Big Adventure made me laugh, sure. But it also made me uncomfortable in a way I couldnāt name back then. Something about him and his world felt too familiar.
I didnāt know how to explain it, but I do now: Pee-wee reminded me of me.
I was a closeted gay nerd in the 1980sāfunny, theatrical, bossy, and desperate to be liked. Like Reubens, I knew how to perform. How to be āonā whether anyone wanted to see the show or not.
Deep down, I knew the truth: The world had little patience for boys like me.
Pee-wee wasnāt just a goofball. He was campy and controlling, emotional and excessive. Watching him was like looking into a funhouse mirror I didnāt ask for.
So I laughed publicly. And cringed privately. And looked away whenever possible.
That wasnāt easy. Pee-wee Herman was everywhereāfrom MTV to cereal boxes to Saturday morning commercials. But I kept my distance. It was easier to dismiss him than to wrestle with why he unsettled me.
It wasnāt until I started watching Matt Wolfās documentary Pee-wee as Himself over the weekend that I allowed myself to look back with more honestyāand more than a little compassion.
The film is a complicated act of posthumous self-curation. Based on archival footage and original interviews with Reubens and many in his inner circles, the documentary feels like itās constantly trying to figure out where the line between Paul Reubens and Pee-wee Herman is. Ultimately, Iām not sure it succeeds in doing that, but it gives the viewer (me anyway) plenty of room to psychoanalyze and fill in the blanks.
While open about Reubensā sexuality, his complex relationship with it.
In the early days of his careerābefore Pee-wee broke into the mainstreamāReubens wasnāt exactly closeted. In fact, interviews and friends from the 1970s and early ā80s paint a portrait of a man who was open, even exuberant, about being queer in the way many artists in alternative comedy and performance art were at the time.
Pee-weeās original stage show, which debuted at The Groundlings and ran in L.A. theaters, was full of adult humor, subversive innuendo, and overt camp. He played with sexuality constantlyāblurring gender roles, toying with kink aesthetics, embodying what we might now call āgenderfuck.ā
But as Pee-wee Herman became a household brand, Reubens made the conscious decision to go back in the closet. The open homosexuality that had once been part of his charm became a risk. Reubens never came out publicly during his life. He became aggressively private.
In interviews, Reubens dodged questions about his personal life with Pee-weeās signature evasiveness. Even in private, he avoided labeling himself. He was a master of subtext, but seemingly allergic to disclosure.
Pee-wee as Himself tries to respect thisāand yet you can feel the tension in every scene. Itās there in the way Reubens kept trying to control the documentaryā¦and the filmmaker. Itās there in the archival footage, where Reubens is always on, even when the cameras are āoff.ā
And for queer viewersāespecially those of us who grew up feeling like we had to turn parts of ourselves down to be safe, or successful, or lovedāthat discomfort is familiar. Itās also heartbreaking.
Pee-wee Herman was many things, depending on your point of view: childlike and creepy, hilarious and exhausting, subversive and stereotypical. But above all, he was coded. And queer kids understood the code, even when we couldnāt translate it. Thatās why he mattered. And thatās why it stung when Reubens, understandably and painfully, walked away from that early openness and lived his life in a vault.
I guess he had to. Hollywood in the ā80s and ā90s didnāt offer much grace to those who didnāt play by heteronormative rules.
When scandal hit in 1991āhis arrest in an adult theaterāthe response wasnāt just a mild public embarrassment. It was a pop culture moment of moral collapse. For both Paul Reubens, the man, AND for Pee-Wee Herman, the ākidsā tv entertainer.
Predictably, Reubens was punishedāhis career all but destroyed by hyperbolic hypocritesānot just for being sexual but for being other.
And yet, even in retreat, Reubens left a legacyāof queer weirdness, of coded resistance, of absurd joy. Pee-wee went into hibernation, but his fans never gave up hope that the undeniable, uncontainable, and unforgettable talent would reemerge.
Watching Pee-wee as Himself as an adult, I felt something I hadnāt let myself feel at thirteen: empathy. I saw a man trying to navigate a world that didnāt make space for the full complexity of who he was. I saw someone who used art to both hide and reveal. Someone who gave us a character that was silly and subversiveāand maybe closer to āhimselfā than even he wanted to admit.
I still have conflicted feelings. But theyāre quieter now. Gentler.
Pee-wee wasnāt perfect. Neither was Reubens. But for those of us who saw ourselves in his weirdnessāand flinchedāthey both offered something more enduring than easy answers: permission to live and let live.
Keep calm and carry on!
Clint šāļø
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ON THIS DAY = JUNE 17
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THE QUEEN (1968)
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Igor Stravinsky
This is an interesting write up you did. I think we all have a bit of "Pee Wee" in us!
Cheers
I still need to see this.