There is something about being on a cruise that stirs things up. Maybe it’s the steady rocking of the ship. Maybe it’s all the free time. Maybe it’s the ocean itself.
Whatever the reason, old memories keep bubbling to the surface. This morning, I woke up thinking about my cheerleaders and my critics. Those who’ve lifted me up. And those who’ve tried, and mostly failed, to tear me down.
MY FIRST CHEERLEADER
Growing up, my dad was my biggest fan. He believed in me with a steady and unshakable faith. If I said I wanted to do something, he believed I could do it and pushed me (sometimes literally) to do my best. He expected effort. He expected follow-through. He did not tolerate excuses.
Our relationship was close, but it could be contentious. His confidence in me could feel heavy. It was both a gift and a burden. Still, I never doubted his love. I knew he wanted me to succeed. I knew he saw something special in me.
When he died suddenly, I was just a teenager. I was crushed. It took years to heal and to sort through the memories. What remains now is simple and clear. Dad loved me without conditions, but also loved me with expectations.
He did not always say it perfectly. He did not always show it gently. But his love was real. And sometimes mighty real.
MY FIRST CRITIC
My mom was the opposite. She saw my flaws before she saw anything else. She never let a weakness or mistake pass without comment. Disappointment and shame were her love languages.
To other people, she was a polite Southern woman. She smiled. She said the right things. She played the part well. In public, anyway. At home, she was often cold and distant. Nothing and no one ever measured up. Least of all me.
Our relationship was a constant tug-of-war. I spent years chasing her approval. It never came. When I came out to her, she cried crocodile tears and tried to control me through guilt and fear. That did not work out well for either of us.
Near the end of her life, something inside me snapped. I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I began lashing out and reflecting her negativity back at her. My hurt became a ticking time bomb. Sometimes it exploded right in her face.
Our final chapter was bitter and full of lost opportunities. We weren’t speaking when she died suddenly a few years ago. I used to feel guilty about that, but I don’t anymore. Each of us said and did what we felt we had to say and do. For better and worse, I am her son. Her conditional love taught me to love her conditionally.
SON OF A CHEERLEADER + A CRITIC
Cheerleaders lift you up. Critics pull you apart. Both leave fingerprints.
My dad gave me confidence. My mom gave me caution.
My dad taught me I would succeed. My mom taught me I would fail.
They both shaped me. One voice told me I could fly. The other told me I ought to be ashamed of myself. I still carry both voices inside me. Some days the cheerleader wins. Some days the critic does.
Being on this ship has reminded me that, now that they are both gone, I can decide which voice I listen to, how I speak to myself, and how I speak to others.
THE GETAWAY TAKEAWAY
If you have a cheerleader in your life, thank them. They make the world feel bigger and brighter. They make everything feel possible. If you have a critic, learn from them, but don’t let them diminish your light. They might teach you to be careful. Or they might show you what kind of person you never want to become.
Both kinds of people leave marks on our hearts. The hard part is choosing which marks to build on and which ones to step away from.
Out here at sea, I feel heavier and lighter at the same time. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone anymore. I don’t feel the need to earn love or approval. I am more than worthy. So are you.
Maybe real freedom is this: We get to rewrite our script. We get to choose who and what we listen to. We get to choose who and what we want to be first and foremost: The cheerleader or the critic. Choose wisely.
Keep calm and cheer on!
Clint 🌈✌️
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FYC = FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Ask Me Anything: Episode 1 (Armistead Maupin + Christopher Turner)
Musings Of A Broken Record’s End Of Year Recap (Mark Edward Randall)
ON THIS DAY = DECEMBER 4
BIRTHDAYS
1795 = Thomas Carlyle = Scottish-English historian, philosopher, and academic
1875 = Rainer Maria Rilke = Austrian-Swiss poet and author 🌈
1903 = Cornell Woolrich = American crime writer 🌈
1914 = Claude Renoir = French cinematographer
1920 = Jeanne Manford = American educator, activist, and PFLAG co-founder
1933 = Wink Martindale = American game show host and producer
1934 = Victor French = American actor and director
1937 = Max Baer Jr. = American actor, director, and producer
1944 = Dennis Wilson = American singer-songwriter
1947 = Yolanda Retter = American activist, archivist, and author 🌈
1949 = Jeff Bridges = American actor
1951 = Patricia Wettig = American actor and playwright
1954 = Tony Todd = American actor
1955 = Cassandra Wilson = American singer-songwriter
1964 = Marisa Tomei = American actor
1969 = Dionne Farris = American singer-songwriter, producer, and actor
1970 = Kevin Sussman = American actor and comedian
1973 = Tyra Banks = American model, actor, and producer
HOLIDAYS + OBSERVANCES
PORTRAIT + QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’re here for such a short period of time. Live like you’re already dead, man. Have a good time. Do your best. Let it all come ripping right through you.”
Jeff Bridges
My relationship with my mother was similar. I cared for her through four years of dementia but at the end, all she could talk about was what a horrible child I was and how I ruined her life. I crashed in what my therapist called caregiver’s syndrome, and I deserted her. She had insisted that she didn’t trust my sisters to care for her, but now she had no choice. Shortly after, my father died, and my sister told me that dad had raped her and mom knew about it.
I never spoke to my mother again. She knew why I left. I’m not sure how she knew, but she told my sister that I had left because of dad.
https://youtu.be/Be955EMr13o?si=8saIkbOChG9AI5sg and a bit of light entertainment, now I have seen the clip many times before but never in this format(AI?) but a cracking video has come from it IMHO Cheers DougT 🇫🇴🇬🇧