I loved this and I so relate. Iām so glad you are taking the steps to respect yourself, what you want and need. I agree, people pleasing really is fear masquerading as kindness/politeness.
Dr Jerry Jampolski, of the Attitudinal Healing in Sausalito and other places, wrote a book called "Love is Letting Go of Fear". It isn't about never feeling fear but the fact that fear shouldn't have the power to stop you from doing what is right - sensible, fair, important for you, for others.
You have made (and will continue to make) much progress and growth.
I totally endorse what you say in this commentary on people pleasing.
Iāll add Dr. Jompolskiās book to my reading list. Iām learning a lot about things I wish I knew years ago. Better late than never, right? Cheers!
It is an old book from the 70s for me but the 3rd edition was in 2010 I think. He also has made three or more Facebook videos. I met him very briefly in in 1989. I was on my study tour of HIV/AIDS services in the US. I went to Sausalito for an introductory session about their work at the Centre of Attitudinal Healing. I was rather disappointed that the introduction was only about 30 minutes. Jerry came in to the room to say goodbye for the rest of the day, to his colleagues, who had done the introduction.
He asked me how I had responded to their intro. I replied that I had hoped to see or experience more. He asked me very briefly about who/what I was.
He immediately said, "Then join my colleagues for the rest of the day as a group faciliatator."
I demurred that I didn't feel capable of such a responsibility.
"Ray, if you love yourself enough. If you care and love about the people here who need support and healing then you can and will do it. Up to you. Love is letting go of fear. Feel the fear and do the loving thing. "
I observed one group. I assisted in the next group. I co-led in the third. I led in the 4th, with someone sitting in. I led the 5th alone. I had been there for 12 hours from arriving to leaving.
Wow, Uncle Ray! Sounds like a wonderful experience. For you and the other participants too. I think most of us could use some Attitudinal Healing. Sending much love and lightā¦
Clint, Oh so right you are and oh so draining it can be. I stopped many years ago so you can look forward to at least 30 wonderful years of not having to feel responsible for everyone who crosses your path. Gregory and I used to talk about it after visiting his or my family. We were in Evanston they were in Florida. We finally learned to stay in a hotel and NOT with them. After the time with them, we were absolutely drained. We called them our Vampire Family. And you are oh so right, it was never enough, never could be enough! For me, I would become the social worker with family and friends as I supported them through MY HIV diagnosis, MY LYMPHOMA CANCER, GREGORY'S ALZHEIMER'S. Exhausting. Finally gave less and less. No one noticed :-) Take care of yourself is the only way out! Fondly, Michael
Thank you, Michaelā¦I look forward to following your lead into a people-pleasing-free third act. As for the Vampire Family. I have some of those back in Texas. It may explain why itās been awhile since Iāve stepped foot in the state. Iām like Louise in Thelma & Louise. :-p
This was in my inbox on exactly the day I needed it most. Thank you.
This line, especially, resonates: "Iām finally learning that kindness doesnāt require self-sacrifice. You can be compassionate without becoming a doormat. You can be generous without running yourself ragged."
Yea, verily. Buddhism teaches that maitri (lovingkindness) starts with oneself. Good psychology agrees with it. Judaism, too, at least as I understand it. Oh, and never forget "Love your neighbor as YOURSELF." It's easy to say to act from generosity rather than fear, but its way harder to do. Seems like nothing positive is actually easy. Wishing you all the best in your efforts to be more yourself rather than the imaginary version of you that some others seem to require.
Well, perhaps some might think I'm a wise donkey, er, ass. But like you, I've long since chosen to set those considerations aside and speak up if I've a mind to. Plus, at my age perhaps impulse control is less solid than it might be so...wisdom, or onset of dementia? Only time will tell!
More like I've been reading your comments and realizing I might learn a thing or two from you, boo! :-* Thanks for the inspiration and welcome, Dear Doug!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bob. I may have the theory in place, but Iām a long way from another gold medal. :-p Change is hard. Be easy with yourself.
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I loved this and I so relate. Iām so glad you are taking the steps to respect yourself, what you want and need. I agree, people pleasing really is fear masquerading as kindness/politeness.
Thanks, @MrsGreen š! Appreciate the encouragement. Cheers!
Dr Jerry Jampolski, of the Attitudinal Healing in Sausalito and other places, wrote a book called "Love is Letting Go of Fear". It isn't about never feeling fear but the fact that fear shouldn't have the power to stop you from doing what is right - sensible, fair, important for you, for others.
You have made (and will continue to make) much progress and growth.
I totally endorse what you say in this commentary on people pleasing.
Iāll add Dr. Jompolskiās book to my reading list. Iām learning a lot about things I wish I knew years ago. Better late than never, right? Cheers!
It is an old book from the 70s for me but the 3rd edition was in 2010 I think. He also has made three or more Facebook videos. I met him very briefly in in 1989. I was on my study tour of HIV/AIDS services in the US. I went to Sausalito for an introductory session about their work at the Centre of Attitudinal Healing. I was rather disappointed that the introduction was only about 30 minutes. Jerry came in to the room to say goodbye for the rest of the day, to his colleagues, who had done the introduction.
He asked me how I had responded to their intro. I replied that I had hoped to see or experience more. He asked me very briefly about who/what I was.
He immediately said, "Then join my colleagues for the rest of the day as a group faciliatator."
I demurred that I didn't feel capable of such a responsibility.
"Ray, if you love yourself enough. If you care and love about the people here who need support and healing then you can and will do it. Up to you. Love is letting go of fear. Feel the fear and do the loving thing. "
I observed one group. I assisted in the next group. I co-led in the third. I led in the 4th, with someone sitting in. I led the 5th alone. I had been there for 12 hours from arriving to leaving.
Wow, Uncle Ray! Sounds like a wonderful experience. For you and the other participants too. I think most of us could use some Attitudinal Healing. Sending much love and lightā¦
There are only 12 principles. Google it. Simple to grasp though we need to keep applying them in practice - to ourselves and others.
Clint, Oh so right you are and oh so draining it can be. I stopped many years ago so you can look forward to at least 30 wonderful years of not having to feel responsible for everyone who crosses your path. Gregory and I used to talk about it after visiting his or my family. We were in Evanston they were in Florida. We finally learned to stay in a hotel and NOT with them. After the time with them, we were absolutely drained. We called them our Vampire Family. And you are oh so right, it was never enough, never could be enough! For me, I would become the social worker with family and friends as I supported them through MY HIV diagnosis, MY LYMPHOMA CANCER, GREGORY'S ALZHEIMER'S. Exhausting. Finally gave less and less. No one noticed :-) Take care of yourself is the only way out! Fondly, Michael
Thank you, Michaelā¦I look forward to following your lead into a people-pleasing-free third act. As for the Vampire Family. I have some of those back in Texas. It may explain why itās been awhile since Iāve stepped foot in the state. Iām like Louise in Thelma & Louise. :-p
Clint, Love P.P.F. Loved that movie although I would have ended it differently. Fondly, Michael
This was in my inbox on exactly the day I needed it most. Thank you.
This line, especially, resonates: "Iām finally learning that kindness doesnāt require self-sacrifice. You can be compassionate without becoming a doormat. You can be generous without running yourself ragged."
Hi, Niki! So glad you connected with some of my own self-therapy. Cheering you and your recovery on!
Yea, verily. Buddhism teaches that maitri (lovingkindness) starts with oneself. Good psychology agrees with it. Judaism, too, at least as I understand it. Oh, and never forget "Love your neighbor as YOURSELF." It's easy to say to act from generosity rather than fear, but its way harder to do. Seems like nothing positive is actually easy. Wishing you all the best in your efforts to be more yourself rather than the imaginary version of you that some others seem to require.
Verily to everything you wrote, Clarke. Youāre a wise man and I appreciate you sharing some of your wisdom. Thank you. šāļø
Well, perhaps some might think I'm a wise donkey, er, ass. But like you, I've long since chosen to set those considerations aside and speak up if I've a mind to. Plus, at my age perhaps impulse control is less solid than it might be so...wisdom, or onset of dementia? Only time will tell!
What is this āimpulse controlā that you speak of, Wise Donkey? I know it not. :-p Cheers to wisdom and no fucks given. :-p
Brian. It sounds like you've been reading my mind š„“ Welcome to the club. Cheers DougT š“ó §ó ¢ó „ó ®ó §ó 暬š§
More like I've been reading your comments and realizing I might learn a thing or two from you, boo! :-* Thanks for the inspiration and welcome, Dear Doug!
Amen, amen, amen my brother! Youāve got it figured out. Iām still working at it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bob. I may have the theory in place, but Iām a long way from another gold medal. :-p Change is hard. Be easy with yourself.